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The review was first published on PFC.

It's not a Blue Film, it's a Comedy !

The expectation
A well promoted Diwali release. Big Stars like Akshay Kumar and Sunjay Dutt. Eye candies Katrina Kaif and Lara Dutta. Bahamas and bikinis in abundance. Kylie Minogue. Music by Rehman. Produce of Sri Asthivinayak Cine Vision that had earlier produced films like Bhagam Bhag, Jab We Met, Golmaal returns, Kidnap and Luck. Honestly, I expected something like Dhoom-2 or Race- a stylized thriller with some twists and sex.

The least I expected it to be is a comedy-circus combo !

Blue would definitely compete hard for the title of ‘the most hilarious thriller of the decade which is a superior unintentional comedy’, with another gem called Cash. It’s a pity Blue took Rs 120 Crores in Bahamas to make while Cash- a meager Rs 38 crores in Cape Town ! Another classic I can compare this with is Red. Clearly there’s some problem with primary colours.

The Plot
(Spoilers slightly discharged from this celluloid sludge)
A guy named Sam (Zayed Khan) is a self proclaimed champion biker in Bangkok. A miniskirt bimbo named Nikki (Katrina Kaif- with stud below her lower lip, glued with fevikwik) enrolls him in one of the street races. Sam wins the race and Nikki makes herself available as aloo tikki, for dinner. Sam declares his 12 hr old eternal love. She moans and vows to trust him. On her reference Gulshan (Rahul Dev), the loser of the race gives an important assignment to Sam- to deliver a Mac Guffin (a bag in this case). He zooms across thick city traffic, gets chased by the cops, loses the bag and ends up in a soup. Gulshan demands a huge compensation. Cops want him too. In short, he is Bangkok’s most wanted man. He gets further depressed when Nikki advises him to leave and save his life. Sam remembers his brother Sagar (Sunjay Dutt) in the Bahamas.

The story comes to Bahamas. Sagar is a giant pot bellied sad looking bloke who is befriended by a rich man called Arav (Akshay Kumar). Arav is a hedonist who spends his time in threesomes, while Sagar romances his girl Mona (Lara Dutta). Intermittently, they showcases their newly acquired scuba diving skills. In between, Arav wants Sagar to guide him to find a treasure which is contained in a sunken ship called ‘Lady in Blue’, which the Britishers were returning to India. Sagar is grossly disinterested in the treasure hunt. At this juncture Sam lands in Bahamas. Gulahsan follows. Bikes chase above trains and in rail tracks. Cars explode. Stuntmen do a water-scooter show with A R Rehman’s music. Mona is kidnapped (or ladynapped) after a fierce gun battle. Villas explode. Sagar confesses the truth behind his father’s death and discovery of the ship. On continuous persuasion by Arav and Sam, Sagar finally succumbs to the situation and the three gathers on Arav’s yacht to retrieve the underwater treasure.

What happens then?
The blue job goes wrong sucking the brains out of the thriller, but creates a comic entertainer.

Entertainment- Out of the Blue

The dialogues: in a good subtle comedy, it’s the dialogue that makes intelligent audience laugh. Else it becomes a Priyadarshan type slapstick madcap one, meant for low IQ masses. Each and every dialogue of Blue is a masterpiece on its own.

Sample these-

Nikki: Hum ko mile 12 ghante bhi nahin hue aur tum humure future ke bare me soch rahe ho ?
Sam: Main to peechle bara ghante se hi humure future ke bare me soch raha hoon ! Aur tum ?
Nikki: Sabkuchh batane ki zaroorat nahin hota *lips tremble*
Sam: *grins* (but gets a boner, secretly)

Sam: Bag mein kya hai ?
Gulshan: Mauka. Utha sako to utha lo. (Now that’s called raw machismo)

Sam : Ek bag ke liye 50 million dollars kuchh zyada nahin hai ?
Gulshan: Bag mera tha to kimat bhi main tyar karunga ! (Lesson in Valuation)

Mona: Mera sapna hai ek oceanography institute, marine life ko protect karne ke liye.
Sagar: Is janam me wo sapna hi rahega. Main machhli pakadta rahunga, tum pakate rehna…. (har har har)

Sagar: Koi aadmi sirf tab andhere mein baithta hai, jab wo isqh mein hota hai ya phir pareshan ho.
Sam: Who ek aur karan bhi andhere mein baithta haijab roshni chala jaye. (makes perfect logocal sense but also makes me laugh out loud)

Arav: I always have two of everything heh heh heh.
Mona: That’s Arav for you, he has two of everything! (makes me ROFL)

Then, there were lot of interrogative dialogues using the word ‘Sawal’ which teaches a sure shot way to compose the sharpest comeback lines. I am sure this can be effectively used in office and homes. Allow me to exemplify-

Boss: Maine jo kam bola tha wo tumne kiya ?
Me: Sawal ye nahin hai ki kam maine kiya ki nahin. Sawal ye hai kam hua ki nahin.

Then at home,
Wife: Tumko aadha kilo kanda lane ke liye bola tha, laya ?
Me: Sawal ye nahin hai ki main kanda laya ki nahin, sawal ye hai ki tumko kanda nahin mili to kya honewala hai.

Characters
Akshay Kumar (nicknamed Sarkar) is simply hilarious. His dialogues, attitude, goatie, underwater antics- all makes him the head clown of this once in a blue moon venture. He makes fun of Kylie Minogue in an elite nightclub and wriggles chiggy-wiggy in a song where the cameraman tried hard, but the editor worked harder to prevent Kylie showing her undies. Let’s hope there would be uncut special features in the DVD release.

However, the cameraman successfully captures every inch of underwater Lara Dutta, except her face. Gharki murgi dal barabar.

Sanjay Dutt (nicknamed Sethji) features in one of the worst shot gunfight in the history of Hindi cinema ever. After one hundred rounds, he kills only one villain at the cost of his villa. His efficiency was better is Shootout at Lokhandwala. Though, he shouldn’t have tried so much to be emotional and romantic on screen. His efforts made him look arthritic and constipated, respectively. Also next time he should get a larger lady opposite him, may be Amrita Singh or Raveena Tandon instead of Lara Dutta. Atleast Nagma or Shilpa Shirodkar, please ?

Both, Zayed Khan and Rahul Dev to the movie were what suspenders are to a strip-dancer. They were taut, good looking and were abandoned, once the song and dance was over.

Anthony D’souza is the land Director. Clearly, the the underwater director did’nt know they were directing the same movie.

Shortcomings
Like the scars in the blue moon, thorns in the Hilsha fish, like the nada knot in the pajama, Blue too has its own share of setbacks.

Why Katrina Kaif was so dry and dressed all along? Why was she not there in Bahamas? She should have also given a chance to go underwater. There, atleast she could have kept her mouth shut and we could enjoy the better parts of her. She was shared by Akshay and Zayed, which means the movie could have easily afforded one more bimbo. Like Prachi Desai or Zia Khan.

If Akshay Kumar is grandson of Kabir Bedi, why there was no mention of his dad? Gulshan Grover or Shakti Kapoor could have suited the role well.

The skeleton of Sagar’s dad, exactly in the same waving position at the time of his underwater death, was a very well thought out detail. However, showing the oxygen cylinders still tied to his rib cage, wristwatch and goggles, could have made it more dramatic for us viewers.

Why were the sharks just swimming around and not eating people? Were they vegan ?

I have learnt that it took the cast 15 days to master the underwater air-ring released from mouth. I am sure if they farted instead, it would have been much easier to get the desired result.

Helicopters, submarines, hot air balloons, elephants and rocket launchers should have been added in the actions. Especially when the bikes were riding the train, a hot air balloon with an elephant on it would have added stunning visual effect.

Aftermath
I wanted to see The Deep again, to get out of my blues.