Uhsdom Compilation (1) Monday, 7 June, 2010Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
Tags: Humour, one liners, quote compilation, quotes, uhsdom, uhsdom compilation
A compilation of original wisdom quotes from ~uh~ (aka uhsdom) scattered around the internet in Facebook, Twitter, blogs and memory. Feel free to use them. However, my soul will rust in peace if you mention the source.
1. Cakewalk: when you start walking fast to redeem the calories and overcome the guilt of having a large piece of sumptuous cake.
2. Money saved is money earned, time saved is a movie earned.
3. When in doubt, put it in the microwave.
4. If wishes were horses, all Jockeys would have been VIPs and Rupa would marry Gopal.
5. A pedestrian is a person who thinks a Car solves all problems in life.
6. A true friend will always remember all your embarrassing moments to the minute detail.
7. The most memorable nights of a boozer’s life can’t be recalled in totality.
8. Alcohol is almost like cheese, only you don’t have to say it loudly to grin, while clicking a snap.
9. Memory curd is the English expression of ‘Deemag ki Dahi’. E.g- Don’t memory curd me with your lecture.
10. When you meet a young good looking girl and she doesn’t hesitate to share her contacts, you must be married and touching forty.
11. All play and no work made Jack a Ball-boy.
12. A Bong leaves early on the same day when he reaches late for office. Reason- he can’t be late twice in a single day.
13. These days the girls iron their hair, and wear short tops to show their innerwear. Not so long ago they used to iron their innerwear and wear short hair to show their tops.
14. What do you call the shade difference of the skin in the ring finger? Ring tone.
15. They say, carry a good recipe to stay happy. I say, marry a good recipe and stay happier.
16. A guy becomes a man when he goes to a chemist shop to buy condoms for the first time and returns just with the condoms.
17. The secret of a long happy married life depends on which side of the bed you sleep- the wall side or the door side.
18. Online friendship doesn’t last long. It just disconnects.
19. “It sucks” becomes a compliment only in case of a Vacuum cleaner or a hooker.
20. S is the most important letter in English. Words can become Sword by just changing the position of ‘s’. It also makes the difference between a hit post and a shit post.
Spouse Grouse Friday, 11 September, 2009Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
Tags: bags, bust, conversation, description, Humour, Lady, Man, Size, Skirt, spouse, talk, tattoo, Wife, woman
I was reading this hilarious anecdote at doctoratlarge’s blog and I remembered something related, which I thought would be worth sharing .
On the context of description of features or parametres ( shape, size, contours) of a lady , a man can royally mess up, especially when confronted by wife. I know one man who unfailingly gets into an awkward situation, in all such cases.
A sample conversation this man was having with his wife, the other day –
Man: You know that lady from 4th floor? She was in the lift today….
Wife: Who the bulky one or the one with pathetic dress sense ?
Man: Well, I think the one with pathetic dress sense is also quite bulky. But, I think I am talking about the one who is bu…….err…I mean…..a little top-heavy.
Wife: Top heavy ? How do you know her weight, that also partially for top?
Man: No No…..I meant visually, like a composition (they were classmates in Art School)..…err…like Ajanta -Illora type silhouette, you know.
Wife: Ajanta -Illora- the Lady with the mirror or Yakshi Ambika ? (you see having an Artistic wife has its own challenge)
Man: okie, lets just say like Ayesha Takia !
Wife: What’s special about Ayesha Takia ?
Man: She has certainly grown big, since her Complan advert days.
Wife: So? So did Shahid Kapoor, the complan boy !
Man: yeah, but not that big and definitely not that way.
Wife: Aachha? So what would you describe the 8th floor one, that skinny verbose extrovert ?
Man: Well, she is more like athletic built with an undertone of Sharone Stone, but added with noticeable occidental curves.
Wife: Oh, so you seem to notice all women in the building, with an expert and observant eye for meticulous details !
Man: Arre….i was just trying to describe the lady to you.
Wife: You all men are same. All you know is to ogle at women at the lightest chance.
Man: huh? Who are the other men ?
And the topic gets diverted into some other discussion.
Another day, another conversation-
Man: You know I was talking about this girl, my ex-colleague’s friend’s sister, who stays on 7th floor?
Wife: You did?
Man: I remember telling you. I gave her a lift upto Dadar, today morning.
Wife: which girl is she?
Man: Youngish, peroxide blonde, wears skirt and all.
Wife: That’s why you gave her lift?
Man: eh? No no, I gave her lift because she was looking for an Auto outside our compound gate. I mentioned the skirt part thinking it will be easier for you to identify her.
Wife: So you offered her a lift?
Wife: Is this the same girl who is very short?
Man: she did not appear shorter than any average Indian female
Wife: Does her facial expression is mostly like this? (makes an indescribable face)
Man: whoa….I have not noticed her face that well.
Wife: You have given her lift and not notice her face at all? What were you looking at all the time then?
Man: I was looking at her bags while in the lift and then on the road while on the car.
Wife: Bags? Is this supposed to be one of your sick metaphors?
Man: what metaphor, I am talking about large bulging and sagging bags
Wife: you mean like bags bags ?
Man: yeah, she was carrying two large bags and was clearly having difficulty in carrying them.
Wife: Why was she carrying two bags to office?
Man: How do I know? That’s none of our concern anyway. The point here is whether you could place her now?
Wife: Nah…how come you only end up meeting this young girls ?
Man: Arre, she is quite conspicuous, flamboyant dressing style, tattoos, large earrings, skirt….
Wife: You have mentioned that skirt part before.
Man: oh, did I?
Wife: Yes and looks like you are besieged by the skirt
Man: besieged? I was just trying to describe her for you…
Wife: and all you have to describe is the skirt ?
Man: Arre nana….
Wife: and tattoo ? where was it ?
Man: there were more than one actually. Upper arm, rear shoulders, in between the neck and the middle of…..
Wife: my god ! What was she wearing ?
Man: An off-white sleeveless short top with pasta string or whatever they call it
Wife: Spaghetti top?
Me; yeah, same
Wife: You are so shameless.
Man: what did I do now ?
Wife: Don’t skirt the issue now.
Man: which issue?
Wife: You all men are same. All you know is to ogle at women whenever you get a chance.
And the topic gets diverted again into some other discussion.
So what is the key learning here ? Would love to hear the viewpoint 0f both species