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Help Thy Neighbour Wednesday, 4 February, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in Consumer Humour.
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This post was originally published here.

I used to own a Reliance WLL (Worthless in Local Loop) phone for around 2 years. I had obtained the connection when I was in Bangalore. Then I shifted to Mumbai and carried the phone with me. I had to wait for 2 months and contact the Chairman’s office through press intervention to get a Mumbai number. But that’s  not the episode I am going to narrate here.

This narration is verbatim conversation with the various Reliance representatives, while I was trying to shift the Billing address. I was staying in 19th floor and shifted to 23rd, on the same building. Before shifting I had formally applied as per the procedure and waited patiently like a civilized citizen.

Read on.

Ecnailer Logo

ecnaileR !

Scene-1: Conversation between Reliance call center executive & me.

Reliance (female voice): Good morning Sir, my name is Suxy How can I assist you Sir?

Me: Morning Suxy. I have this reliance landline 32xxxyyzz and I have a complaint to make. It’s very serious.

Suxy: Can you tell me your address Sir?

Me: Its Flat 2305, (I give the complete address).

Suxy: Am sorry Sir, the address you have mentioned is not matching with our records Sir. What’s your name Sir?

Me: That’s exactly what my complaint is all about….I am the owner of this phone and it is registered in the wrong address. My name is Udtaa Hathi; does it match your record?

Suxy: Am sorry Mr. Haathi, I can not reveal any further details Sir, you have to go to your nearest Customer Care Centre Sir, and submit your address proof Sir. Am really sorry Sir.

Me: Miss Suxy, please don’t be sorry! Just listen to me…I have already submitted my address proof alongwith my application of address change when I shifted the phone from my rented accommodation  at Flat 1904 to Flat-2305 in the same building. Earlier the phone was registered at flat 1904, now I have bought this flat 2305 and shifted the phone. I have already done what I am supposed to do. Reliance has erroneously entered Flat 2301, a wrong address in their database. Now my bill comes to 2301, where as I am the owner and pay the bill. I want this error to be rectified and address to be registered to Flat 2305.

Suxy: Am sorry Sir, I can’t help you. You have to submit address proof Sir.

Me: I have done it already…can you please check your records etc. I think you should speak to your superior

Suxy: Am sorry Sir, I can’t help you. You have to submit address proof Sir. Please visit your nearest Customer Care Centre Sir, and submit your address proof Sir. Am really sorry Sir.

The line got disconnected, I was using my home phone- a Reliance FWP ( Fixed Wireless Phone).

Scene-2: Conversation between Reliance Customer Care executive & me on a Sunday Morning.

I run through the history of my phone.

Reliance Exec: I understand your problem Sir. I am new Sir. The old people have left Sir. The records are not available Sir. Please submit a fresh application with address proof Sir.

Me: That’s unimaginable! Am I dealing with individuals or a company? Even if I agree to re-apply, from which address to which address? 1904 is not valid now, am staying in 2305, your record says 2301. Please fetch me my earlier submittals and see it yourself.

Reliance Exec: You have to apply as change from 2301 to 2305. Also attach proof of 2301. The records go to head office, its not available here. Am sorry Sir.

Me: Cut the crap! I have never said I have a proof of 2301. It’s your mistake in data entry. Why should I suffer? I stay in 2305, I want my bill to come to 2305……period. Here’s my Maintenance bill for 2305, see my name there? It should suffice.

Reliance Exec: Sorry Sir, maintenance bill won’t do Sir. And you shouldn’t have submitted the proof for 2301, if you are staying at 2305 Sir. You have to submit proof of 2305 Sir.

Me: What the hell….maintenance bill  won’t do? Why? You are not getting the point. 2301 is a mistake by you. I never stayed there. I stayed in 1904, as rented accommodation.

Reliance Exec: Then why have you applied for a change?

Me; because I have bloody bought the Flat 2305. Enough, I want to talk to your superior. Call him now.

Reliance Exec: Sorry Sir, Sunday Sir, She is not here Sir.

Me: What the …! Why do you open on Sunday then? What do I do now?

Reliance Exec: Sir please call our call center Sir, they will help you Sir.

Scene-3: Conversation between Reliance Call Centre executive & me

Reliance: good afternoon Sir, this is Anubhab here, how can I help you Sir?

Once again the story is told.

Me: …so , now that I have told you, what are you going to do?

Anubhab: Well Sir, It is a problem Sir. Your bill is generated and sent to you, but you are not getting it

Me: I know it’s a problem, that’s why I am calling you. My bill is sent to 2301 and I stay in 2305.

Anubhab: Have you been to your nearest Customer care office? You have to….

Me: (Interrupting) stop there. I have been there twice in the last 6 months. Nothing happens. Reliance is all about ping-pong between your various customer care. It’s all crap. Do you think I am a fool? ( losing patience)

Anubhab: Am sorry Sir, there’s problem Sir, the nearest customer care….

Me: You ***** ng should be sorry, Anil, Mukesh, all your ****ng bosses should be. But that doesn’t help me. Why the hell takes ******g Six months to fix this? Do you people have brains? Your Customer care is rubbish…

Anubhab: I understand your problem Sir, am really sorry Sir

Me: &***** 8888 ##@#@#@# **** *& @#@#@#

Anubhab: Am sorry Sir, I can’t help you. You have to submit address proof Sir.

Me: No, I am sorry. Mere se galti ho gaya, main Reliance ka phone liya. Shaala, chhe mahina ho gaya, bill padosi ko ata hai, shaala paisa main bharta hoon…majak ban gaya, F***** &*&*& ##@#@#@# **** *& @#@#@#

……………………………

It’s a year now. The bill comes to 2301, my friendly neighbour hands me over the bill every month with a smile, I pay. Our bond grows stronger. The phone is almost redundant as most of the time there’s no signal. My 1-year-old son plays with it. I generously declare the phone number to people whom I don’t want to talk to. It works. I tried to upload MS reviews while using the Internet connection. I lost my review of Lola while editing. I had to restore it next day in office.

Welcome to the world of Reliance Landline.

Original Reliance punchline: Kar lo duniya muthhi mein! ( Grab the world….)
My homage: Aur usko nichod lo, ki shaala duniya ki jaan hi nikal jaaye…..( And sqeeze it till the last gasp for life…)-

We should be thankful to our One Million Gods that Reliance is not into Airline business !

Endnote

The billing address got changed after another 6 months of follow up.

Finally, in 2007 I got rid of this connection.

It’s another story how I kept on getting the bills for the disconnected phone…..

Click to read some old comments on this post .

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Comments»

1. BitterCharm - Wednesday, 4 February, 2009

Hey FE,

Its good to see that now i can put my hands on the older version of your work as well. good work! will come back to read all of it.

Piya


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