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Driver Hallowed Monday, 9 February, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour, Mumbai.
Tags: , , , , , , ,



My first year of commuting was in the famous local trains of Mumbai. Post bomb blast , I started traveling to office by car. After driving for around three years on Mumbai roads and getting much tolerant & enlightened, I thought of sharing some useful tips. These are tried, tested and successfully experimented with and can be applied without any major investments. Let’s call them the 10 Golden rules of driving.


My daily travel is from a western suburb called Kandivali to Mumbai Central/ Lower Parel (central part of the mainland south Mumbai, better know as Town.

Travel distance= 30 km (one way)

I don’t have a driver.

My car was an Esteem 95 model and it’s mostly white in colour (15% colour obtained of other vehicles).

I have a boss waiting for me at office and a family at home.

#1> Optimization of travel time– In Mumbai time is money, and even distances are measured in travel time. After much trial & error and analyses I have derived this equation:-

TM= [(Actual start time~7:30am)^2 x 15 +Cube root{ (Total distance/15) (Actual start time-7:30am)}]^n

TE= [{(8:15pm~Actual start time)^2 x 30 + Cube root {(Total distance/10) (8:15 pm-Actual start time)}]^n

n= a complicated factor considering the day of the year, rainfall, low & high tide in Arabian sea, flood situation, stock market, train delays, bomb-blast, natural calamities, riots, criminal activities, VIP & movie star movements, religious occasions & festivities etc.

The value of TE & TM will increase 18.26% YoY, as 500 cars gets added to Mumbai roads everyday.

As evident from the equation, the travel time heavily depends on the actual starting time. The approximate travel time in the morning (TE) is 45 mins and evening is 2 hours (weekly average), considering an optimum start time at 7:30 am from home in the morning and 8:15pm in the evening. There’s a chance you will end up driving for 2 hrs in the morning and 3 hrs in the evening if you choose to start on the wrong time.

#2>Fast & slow- People driving slower than you are idiots, faster than you are maniacs. Realize and accept this. Be steady on your track; use subtle & unique gestures using your fingers when flashes and honking fail to attract the attention of the idiots. Don’t mess with the maniacs. Say loudly “ek din marega saala”, and stay cool.

#3> Drive slow– you are driving your car, not an Ambulance. It’s important to reach the destination in one piece and with peace. Remember, driving fast enough can take you anywhere. Anywhere. Don’t change lanes like the maniacs. But don’t become an idiot either. It’s okay to overtake the idiots, using blinkers.

#4> Drive Dry This is the most important rule. Don’t drink while you are driving. No OM, No beer, not even water. There’s no toilet inside your car, neither outside. To quench your thirst keep lozenges like chlor-mint, mentos, halls etc.  If you are not heavily into yoga to control nature’s call for more than 3 hrs, listen to me. Else carry a pan/ empty bottle in the car.

#5> Music is the best company if you are driving alone. Change your Car stereo to enable mp3 CDs to avoid listening to same cassette 5 times. Changing cassette while driving is not a good idea. The risk of banging your car to a rampart, lamp-post or other cars is same, as is while using a lipstick. These days we have more than 4 FM channels. Befriend Mallishka, Tarun, Dr. Hojo, Mantra and other RJs. Make traffic beat, LoveGuru, Mumbai local, Morning no1 part of your drive-life. Occasionally, call up these RJs to tell a PJ or ask for solution of imaginary acute problems in your love life. Example- I discovered my girlfriend is a lesbian, what do I do? Bajate Raho !

#6> Play your own music if you can’t make sense what the RJs are saying. But be careful, a number like “Crazy kiya rey” or ” I want to break free” can just pump up your adrenalin while you are stuck at a jam. Go for cheerful music, preferably the latest ones, listening to old favorite songs will make you nostalgic and distract your attention from the road.

#7> Hands free- use your hands only for maneuvering steering, shifting gear and occasional scratching. Use hands free devices for mobile phone. Reading/ replying to sms while driving is a bad idea. Check sms when only you are at traffic signal.

#8>Forgive and forget- be the enlightened one. You will encounter morons in three & two wheelers. Consider them as mere mortals and let the maniacs kill them. Take a deep breath and forgive them, forget and then divert attention to Mallishka. Try to be philosophical, remember teachings of Gita, Paulo Coleho, Gandhigiri, Richard Bach and other influential people.

#9> Drive to reachalways remember that you are driving to reach somewhere, either home or office or a meeting. Chant ” better late than never” when stuck in traffic. Call your wife, boss, or other important people in your life and tell the same thing when you are really late.

#10>Celebrate! You have made it today. Celebrate with coffee & smoke with your colleagues on reaching office. Kiss your wife, children on reaching home and tell them how much you love them- before taking control of the remote. Tomorrow is anyway the first day of rest of your life!

If you don’t have wife/ kids please don’t take the pain of driving, hire a driver or take a Taxi.

If you think driving in Mumbai is madness, you are right. Madness is just the other name of Mumbai.

Click for the old post and comments.



1. Shakarotti - Wednesday, 18 February, 2009

‘Bajate raho’ …… where’s that gone? 😀

~uh~: aaah, it’s not there in the word copy ! I think I added that on MS post only ….good observation, doc 🙂

2. Abha - Wednesday, 25 February, 2009

awesome!!!! 😀

UH, if you eva get all this stuff and more into a book, i swear i wont ask for a free copy and would buy it! 🙂

~uh~: Sure. I ‘ll buy one too 🙂

3. Ronak - Tuesday, 16 June, 2009

Great post… and I think they are really useful tips…

Liked the philosophy: People driving slower than you are idiots, faster than you are maniacs… 🙂

Liked the Forgive and forget part too…
~uh~: Thanks Ronak. Hope to see you around in the blogosphere.

4. witsnnuts - Friday, 26 June, 2009

‘Ek din marega saala ‘ Just rocks … ha ha 😀
~uh~: it works !

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