Bachelord’s Maxim Saturday, 9 May, 2009Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
Tags: advice, Bachelor, men, Nonsense, Summer
Two years ago, this article was previously posted here under a category called General Advice on Summer season. Little has changed in the last two years, to make this article invalid, so thought of re-posting it again.
How can someone advise on Summer Season? What on earth can be advised on summer? Summer is magical, as some claim. For some midsummer nights dream come true. A young boy once fell in love with an elderly lady in the summer of 69, which Bryan Adams yelled to a chartbuster. Summer is about Sun, heat, sweat, holiday and more.
The point is summer is important in one’s life.
For me summer is freedom. Summer is vacation. Summer is bachelorhood. Summer is home sickness. Though, summer is something that does not start with a “W”, but I like summer.
This write up is not an advice how to deal with summer. But what and how can be done when everyone else in the family dumps one, leaves him alone and enjoys their summer vacation. Over the last 10 years I am into this one month’s kingship. I will try to summarize some useful tips for people who may encounter similar situation.
I presume the following people may get benefited from this write-up:
1. People like me (I exactly can’t define what that means, readers need to figure that out)
2. Married but want to be a bachelor again (People who doesn’t need to, can stop reading here)
3. Bachelors who are thinking of getting married.
4. Wives of people in Sl # 1.
This article may not be useful for
A. People who are not like me (opposite to Sl no 1 above)
B. Disorganized and clumsy people.
D. Spinsters (it may come as a shocker to them)
Once again, these are my personal experiences and any resemblance with any person living or married is purely coincidental. I had to write this post now, because as days go by, feeling of freedom tends to fade out gradually and a strong sense of vacuum engulfs the mind.
FIVE things to do as bachelor
ONE: Enjoy the freedom
Initially the hard earned freedom needs to be enjoyed.
I normally do it by picking my nose in the living room, sitting on the sofa wearing a towel with beer in an expensive bone china coffee mug and watching a B-grade Hindi horror movie like “Purana Mandir” or “ Veerana”. I also occasionally scratch various parts of my body including (eye) balls.
To add more drama, I wear those shorts and torn baniyans which my wife kept aside to donate it to our maid to recycle it as duster or mop.
TWO: Collate the survival kit
It is important to keep the emergency ration and useful stuff ready and within reach. Emergency ration for me includes a litre of Old Monk (OM litre bottle is rare to get, but fortune favours the brave), a crate of Kingfisher premium, a dozen eggs, 3-4 packets of Maggi Mania, a carton of Gold flake and some rubber bands.
Contrary to popular belief, eggs are man’s best friend (no pun intended here) after frogs and dogs !
Remember the freedom is temporary. Wife will be back soon and ask for the ledger accounts. So the cost of OM and beer needs to be compensated somewhere. The best way to cut expense is to avoid cooking and eating at home. Call up good friends, preferably the married ones and barge in for dinners. A time will come when friends will get too busy to answer your call. Then shift focus to the neighbors. Look weak and depressed when they ask you whether you need any help. My nearest neighbor (the one who used to receive my Reliance bill for over a year) was sweet enough to offer me tea once I was back from work at 12:15 AM. But I declined. I felt vulnerable. Her hubby was not around, she was in her night suit pyjamas and I have seen Pyar Ke Side Effects which elaborately dealt on meaning of “drinking coffee”.
When neighbors stop treating you, retort with Maggi and eggs. I don’t have any solution for veggies. But I won’t advise them to eat the money plant or other indoor plants which are adorably nurtured by their wives. Similarly, taking the colorful fishes out of the Aquarium and eating them, are not advised.
Another area to economize is to avoid washing clothes. Follow the “law of comparative cleanliness” here. It’s simple. When you feel your clothes are dirty enough, don’t crumple and throw them in the basket. Put then neatly in a hanger and take another fresh set. A time will come when the present clothes will become dirtier that the previous ones. Pick up the previous ones and wear. I have successfully done this using strong perfumes for nearly a month.
FOUR: Take possession of the house
Now house means the important and useful things in the house namely, Computer, TV with the remote, fridge, ice bucket and the DVD player. Rest all is useless. Its better not to venture into other stuff in the house like cup-boards, kitchen cabinets, washing machine, gas stove etc. If you try to use the gas stove, keep the kitchen tap open and water running on the floor, when you leave the house. In case of fire this action would be helpful.
FIVE: Know the Do’s
1. It was written in the Bheja Fry book that telephone rings only when you are alone and in the loo. What is not written is that if you come out nude to pick the phone, the calling bell with ring. So always keep a towel/ bathrobe in the living room.
2. When planning to take bath, disconnect all phones and switch of the mobile. Else you will never be able to take bath. Once I dropped my handset in the potty, trying to multitask. Fortunately, it revived, I mean the handset.
3. Don’t be extra polite and friendly to the maid- asking how many children she has, whether her husband is a drunkard or an eccentric etc. There’s a chance that she will ask for a hike when your wife is back. Best way is to stay poker face and lie on bed covered up from head to toe, while she does the cleaning. The probability that, she will finish her job faster, is higher, this way.
4. When a mass cleaning of the house is required call for a Pizza party and invite few good friends, preferably bachelors. Treat them with buy one get one free pizza and a horror/ porn movie after they do the cleaning up. You may get busy watering the plants, cleaning all the leaves separately with lukewarm soap water. Keep some dry leafs tied with rubber bands as a proof of your effort.
1. Open wife’s cup board. Avoid shock.
2. Ride kids’ bicycles.
3. Baby-sit neighbor’s kids.
4. Watch movies like Silsila, Main Mari Patni Aur Woh or Red.
5. Date unknown ‘babes’ or ‘other Indian females’.
6. Try to clean the kitchen or fridge. Or paint the house.
7. Open the windows.
8. Buy condominiums or condoms.
9. Use a binocular to look at the neighborhood. Use a 32 x optical zoom digital video camera.
10. Talk to yourself when alone. You may feel like Robert De Niro in Taxi driver, but actually you are making a fool in front of the mirror.
If my wife reads this, this is probably my last bachelor summer. If my neighbour reads this I have to look for a new house to relocate.
So far so good.