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Grass Route Wisdom Tuesday, 26 May, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
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The context of this article is this post.

I have successfully completed two weeks of bachelorhood. Success = not burning the house down, not breaking a single glass (window or crockery), not letting the pigeons to make nest inside the cupboard or any other natural disaster like that.

Well, after ten years of marriage, surviving bachelorhood (or as a grasswidower*, to be technically correct) is not an easy task, contrary to popular belief. I am sure men, who are lucky to pass through this stage in his life, will agree with me wholeheartedly. Let me share some key learning after few years of summertime grass widowing experience. Please note the serial numbers does not have any bearing with the degree of wisdom it offers.

1. Home work is never-ending when I am home.

2. Cooking is only worth ifs there is atleast another living being to share the food, even if it’s a Cat.

3. Any offer leaflets from any Pizza outlets is found to be expired when I need them.

4. If it’s milk, it will spill all over exactly when I am not in front of the stove.

5. Clothing clips vanish into thin air automatically.

6. The ironic guy or the ironman (the presswalah) is uniquely employed by us and not by any of the rest of 5 flats on the floor and he only comes when I am not at home.

7. When I am on the phone the bell rings.

8. When I am at the door the phone rings.

9. When ever I put oil on the frying pan, the phone rings and a robotic feminine voice speaks to offer free ring tones and caller tunes.

10. I could successfully program the time for breads on toaster (activity A) and eggs frying on pan ( activity B) and buttering the toast (activity C) so that my breakfast is ready exactly with a finish to finish lag between B and C being zero seconds keeping the start to finish lag between A and C within 90 seconds. ( Wife can never match this precision,  and due to her inferiority complex I am never allowed in kitchen)

11. A 60 minute Mini DV video cassette takes around 90 minutes to be downloaded on the computer. Fiddling with the set-up in between hangs the system and the process need to be restarted from square one.

12. Clothes need to be washed finally, there’s no other alternative. Same goes for bedsheets and socks.

13. I realize why it’s called hypermarket when I have to squeeze my way though XXL ladies with they trolley loads of groceries in the local D-Mart to; to pick-up my paltry weekly ration of Thums Up and Maggi.

14. Duplicate keys of almirah should be kept in another almirah, duplicate keys of house should be kept with a good neighbour.

15. All important couriers come when there’s no one to receive it.

16. If a steel container is exposed to open flame long enough, it sheds layer. The residual steel container emerges like a Phoenix with a much thinner body. (Wish the same was applicable to humans)

17. When I am in the toilet the bell rings and it’s usually someone whom you can’t attend like an Archimedes in towel.

18. Its important to know where is the sugar jar in the kitchen cabinet, it saves STD calls.

19. A Manchow soup (with fried noodles) dinner doesn’t go well after couple of pegs of rum accompanied with chicken lollypops.

20. Plants look dry even when  I water them regularly. The one my wife likes the most seem to dry faster than the others.

21. The delivery time of the ordered food in directly proportional to the intensity of hunger.

22. The key bunch actually moves from one location to another just to harass me.

23. Cockroaches, lizards and spiders have uncanny natural ability to encroach a house managed by a man.

24. I discover ‘lazy- weekend’ is a myth when I am alone. It’s rather ‘lazy week’ in entirety.

25. When I get back home every evening to a dark and silent house, operate 15 switches to put some life and noise, I realize, I am actually waiting for my home to become the usual – loud, rocking and throbbing with happy hours !

Readers are welcome to put across their pearls of wisdom, obtained from similar experiences.

* Wikipedia: “Grasswidower” can carry the implication that the husband is helpless when left home alone by his wife, especially in the kitchen.

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Comments»

1. farkandfunk - Tuesday, 26 May, 2009

Interesting list!

Here are a couple of related ones:

1. Your grumpiest mornings are those which must start with a coffee/tea immediately, but you have to put the god-damned milk to boil before you can have it.

2. You realize the milk on the stove boiled-over while you were trying to catch up with the newspaper.

3. You pretty much either (a) burn your hand by accident by touching a hot vessel or/AND (b) spill something else over, while trying to clean up the mess from (2)

4. After (1) , (2), and (3), you’re so late for work that you get ready immediately, without having that coffee/tea.

cheers!

farkandfunk.wordpress.com
…………
~uh~: 🙂 I have mentioned the milk boiling part on point # 4. Can’t avoid, can we ?
Your 2 & 3- burning hand is so true. Not to mention dropping the bowl with its content on the floor to top it up !

2. Nishchaya - Tuesday, 26 May, 2009

1. Your kaamwaali doesn’t turn up when you’re getting late to office.

2. You miss the kachrawala wagon and your house stinks the whole day.

3. You can’t find a hanger to put your shirt inside the closet.

4. Your alarm goes off and snoozes a zillion times before you actually get up.

And lots more!!
…………..
~uh~: Well, kaamwali are called bai in Mumbai, and as the name hints they virtually run the city. Without a getting a good bai, its like a goodbye to home peace.
Bai needs a dedicated post.
Can’t agree more with you especially the alarm one 🙂

3. whatsinaname - Wednesday, 27 May, 2009

hehehehe! I hope now you will appreciate your wifes efforts and gift her a NICE DIAMOND NECKLACE when she is back!

~uh~: I have already given her a VERY NICE DIAMOND NECKLACE (to give me this break)………:D

4. whatsinaname - Wednesday, 27 May, 2009

hmmmm sugar saves STD calls!
hmmmm you shud try for the ministry of finance. Surely you will find a cure for all economic depressions 😛

~uh~: Have you ever realized why better-half is called by ‘sugar’, ‘honey’ and ‘sweety-pie’ ? I all generated from those long distance calls while the husbands tried to figure out where they were kept in the kitchen !

5. Vee - Thursday, 28 May, 2009

All the more reasons for not getting married. Wonder how? Cuz, Wont get married, so wont get used to all those luxuries which won’t be missed when wifey is not there.. 😉

~uh~: You got it, the laddoo idiom. But then what’s a life w/o wife & kids ?

6. Vidooshak - Thursday, 28 May, 2009

Just so true. All of this is so true. It also applies to the one hour between the time you get home and when your wife gets back from office. What Wikipedia doesn’t know is that there is no limit to how *small* the extended period of time needs to be, in order for a man to feel grasswidowed!

Enjoy the ThumsUp and Maggi while you can, pal. And chicken lollipop, with OM, with manchow soup (ewwwww)

~uh~: 🙂 Well some truths are better left unspoken !
Yesterday night I mixed leftover drumsticks with water and soya sauce to create a gravy, then mixed it with maggi for dinner.
Happy belated b’day dude !

7. Rofl Indian - Saturday, 30 May, 2009

Pearls of wisdom indeed 🙂
1.Law of inertia takes over everything. A half empty glass of water and a slice of lemon continue to occupy their respective places on the dinner table for days on end.
2. You can never put all your leftovers in the fridge at the same time.
3. 10 pm starts looking like its too late into the night.
Cheers
…………
~uh~: 🙂
4. You have to put alarm for virtually everything- wake-up, bai-time, lunch, wake-up till ‘hit the sack now else u’ll doze-off at work ‘…..

8. biswa prasun - Monday, 1 June, 2009

Hi Uh,
I came to your blog via PFC. You write well….I guess your blogs refer to Murphy’s laws.

Liked your post on bong names.
tata
…….
~uh~: I have found your writings to be very special on PFC. Its high time you have your own blog, trust me 🙂
Thanks for visiting my blog and the good words.


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