Grass Route Wisdom Tuesday, 26 May, 2009Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
Tags: advise, Bachelor, dinner, Grass widower, home, kitchen, life, living, Summer, vacation, Wisdom
The context of this article is this post.
I have successfully completed two weeks of bachelorhood. Success = not burning the house down, not breaking a single glass (window or crockery), not letting the pigeons to make nest inside the cupboard or any other natural disaster like that.
Well, after ten years of marriage, surviving bachelorhood (or as a grasswidower*, to be technically correct) is not an easy task, contrary to popular belief. I am sure men, who are lucky to pass through this stage in his life, will agree with me wholeheartedly. Let me share some key learning after few years of summertime grass widowing experience. Please note the serial numbers does not have any bearing with the degree of wisdom it offers.
1. Home work is never-ending when I am home.
2. Cooking is only worth ifs there is atleast another living being to share the food, even if it’s a Cat.
3. Any offer leaflets from any Pizza outlets is found to be expired when I need them.
4. If it’s milk, it will spill all over exactly when I am not in front of the stove.
5. Clothing clips vanish into thin air automatically.
6. The ironic guy or the ironman (the presswalah) is uniquely employed by us and not by any of the rest of 5 flats on the floor and he only comes when I am not at home.
7. When I am on the phone the bell rings.
8. When I am at the door the phone rings.
9. When ever I put oil on the frying pan, the phone rings and a robotic feminine voice speaks to offer free ring tones and caller tunes.
10. I could successfully program the time for breads on toaster (activity A) and eggs frying on pan ( activity B) and buttering the toast (activity C) so that my breakfast is ready exactly with a finish to finish lag between B and C being zero seconds keeping the start to finish lag between A and C within 90 seconds. ( Wife can never match this precision, and due to her inferiority complex I am never allowed in kitchen)
11. A 60 minute Mini DV video cassette takes around 90 minutes to be downloaded on the computer. Fiddling with the set-up in between hangs the system and the process need to be restarted from square one.
12. Clothes need to be washed finally, there’s no other alternative. Same goes for bedsheets and socks.
13. I realize why it’s called hypermarket when I have to squeeze my way though XXL ladies with they trolley loads of groceries in the local D-Mart to; to pick-up my paltry weekly ration of Thums Up and Maggi.
14. Duplicate keys of almirah should be kept in another almirah, duplicate keys of house should be kept with a good neighbour.
15. All important couriers come when there’s no one to receive it.
16. If a steel container is exposed to open flame long enough, it sheds layer. The residual steel container emerges like a Phoenix with a much thinner body. (Wish the same was applicable to humans)
17. When I am in the toilet the bell rings and it’s usually someone whom you can’t attend like an Archimedes in towel.
18. Its important to know where is the sugar jar in the kitchen cabinet, it saves STD calls.
19. A Manchow soup (with fried noodles) dinner doesn’t go well after couple of pegs of rum accompanied with chicken lollypops.
20. Plants look dry even when I water them regularly. The one my wife likes the most seem to dry faster than the others.
21. The delivery time of the ordered food in directly proportional to the intensity of hunger.
22. The key bunch actually moves from one location to another just to harass me.
23. Cockroaches, lizards and spiders have uncanny natural ability to encroach a house managed by a man.
24. I discover ‘lazy- weekend’ is a myth when I am alone. It’s rather ‘lazy week’ in entirety.
25. When I get back home every evening to a dark and silent house, operate 15 switches to put some life and noise, I realize, I am actually waiting for my home to become the usual – loud, rocking and throbbing with happy hours !
Readers are welcome to put across their pearls of wisdom, obtained from similar experiences.
* Wikipedia: “Grasswidower” can carry the implication that the husband is helpless when left home alone by his wife, especially in the kitchen.