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General Advice on giving General Advice Sunday, 31 May, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
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It takes a village to raise a child.– African Proverb.

We all love giving advice. Let’s accept it. Like that Reliance advert, giving advice, wanted or unwanted, relevant or irrelevant doesn’t cost us anything. If the receiver of advice takes them seriously, s/he might get benefited but at his/ her own risk & cost!

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.– Erica Jong

While we all love giving advices, I always felt some norms should be placed for Giving General Advice.

Qualification to give General Advice– This is an absolutely unnecessary parameter. One doesn’t need to be a specialist, expert or knowledgeable to anything remotely related to the topic s/he is generally advising on. That means anyone can give General Advice on any goddamn thing on earth or beyond.

Example- General Advise on Walking on the Moon

You can be much carefree while walking on the moon. The gravitational pull in moon is 6 times lesser than earth, which means a person will have 6 times more time to balance himself after he slips over a banana peel & falls in slow motion. Also, jumping over a poodle of water or dog shit will make him/ her fly 6 times more distance than earth. However it is advisable to carry a torchlight as there is no dark side of the moon, it’s all dark.

Be Authoritative, but beat around the bush

Advice is one of those things it is far more blessed to give than to receive.– Caroylin Wells

Don’t give any direct tips and put lot of disclaimer after every advice. Remember Disclaimer saves the adviser from unexpected repercussions.

Example- General Advise on Cooking Shark Fin soup with Crabmeat

Be careful while detaching the shark fin from a live shark. It is advisable to wear protective and necessary manuals before you collect & the shark fins. Alternatively you can collect shark fin from a dead shark, but make sure it’s not dead for more than 2-3 hours. Otherwise the soup taste would be adversely affected. You can’t have crabmeat unless you find a crab. Once the shark fin and crabmeat is available, you can start cooking the soup.

Give advice you never follow yourself

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.– Bill Cosby

This is self-explanatory and I have enough examples in the tips I have given. However it is important to keep some reason handy to explain why you are unable to follow the same.

Never give the same advice to same people

Because if you do, there’s a chance that the receiver won’t welcome you next time. So, give same advice to different people and different advice to same people. That way you will never lose out on advice or popularity.  Time is the essence of any advice. If any of the advice takers even complains that s/he did not get the desired result following your advice, blame it on the timing. “Aah, you shouldn’t have waited for monsoon to come, I forgot to mention, the moisture in air reduces the efficiency” can be a good excuse if someone fails to adhere to your advice of ‘ smoking pot to increase concentration before an interview’.

I can go on, but let’s keep it brief and professional. More general advice will come for specific purpose.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.– Oscar Wilde

So, go ahead and start advising right away.

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Comments»

1. eye-in-sty-in - Sunday, 31 May, 2009

Funnnyyyyy!!!!!

!! Spike !!

Thanks dude, good to see old pals around…:)

2. Nishchaya - Monday, 1 June, 2009

Free advice that I’ll never forget:
I was once standing in the queue for railway reservation. Reaching the counter, I had two choices:
1. A confirmed ticket in a slower train.
2. A RAC ticket in an express train.

Since I had no time constraints, I wanted to book the confirmed ticket. A sardarji standing next to me, gave this free advice – “RAC is a confirmed ticket”.
He said that so authoritatively that I banished my thoughts of getting a confirmed seat and took the RAC listed ticket instead.

Rest, as they say is history. That ticket never got confirmed and I traveled whole night, sitting on the side berth.

Moral: A bird in hand is better than two in bush 😉
……
~uh~: I guess I have touched a raw nerve there….:)
Btw, RAC is still propagated by travel agents as ‘Confirmed ticked’ all over India especially on small towns.

Once one of our Professor drank liquid ammonia mistaking it as water. Someone advised him to drink diluted sulfuric acid to neutralize the ammonia. He was saved because of the Chemistry professor who explained to him how human body is different from a test tube.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

3. bittercharm - Thursday, 2 July, 2009

~FE~ every time I read your articles… it’s not just the humor that amuses… it’s the selection of topics that you have… you can put humor in anything you absorb in our surroundings.. Although as compared to other users here… I have started following your writings very recently however… with every item I read I know the relationship will last long…. keep penning…
……………………..
~uh~™: You are welcome. Thanks for the good words !

4. Myths and Truths about Boozer’s Problem « AEIOU ¿ ® - Wednesday, 12 August, 2009

[…] difference on this particular topic. However, I have to admit that he has actually followed the  General Advise for  advising, as charted out by me some time back, which qualifies the said article to be accepted by all. Those […]

5. YouFuckTard - Sunday, 12 June, 2011

Why the [edited]. How about I put a birthday cake [edited]?


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