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Return on Inwaistment* Friday, 5 June, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour, Mumbai.
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Yeah !

I am feeling successful today. It was not an easy goal, no mean feat. It took a lot of hard work hours of sweat and constant motivational slogan I chanted within myself “come on ~uh~ you can do it ~uh~….huh…some more…. ~uh~….ah….~uh~…huff ….~uh~”.

Finally the result is showing and I have the proof.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck!  ~Author Unknown


When I got my blood test report last month, I had to face the harsh reality from which I have been trying to hide last few years. The result values were either way above of way below the normal range. However it was not exactly a surprise , it’s just that seeing  a black and white report is bit discomforting.  It all started when I tried myself getting into my old trouser. I don’t want to repeat that embarrassing story yet again, so let’s come to the point.

After the corporate check-up in 2008, the lady doctor told me that my cholesterol level seems to be on the higher side and she advised me to get a lipid profile done. As usual, medical tests, when I am feeling perfectly normal, seemed a waste of time. So I chickened out. Meaning, concentrated on chicken, alcohol, cashewnuts and other good things of life. I was also kinda convinced that I was contributing enough towards my health by not  smoking. From 30 cigs a day to zero meant a lot of nicotine, which was supposed to fill up my lungs.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.  ~Phyllis Diller

Last month I was in Kolkata and I could not escape as out-law anymore. My in-laws fixed my appointment with the lab. I had to do the test and then had to visit the doctor with the report. After studying the report and giving a quick glance at me from head to toe, the following brief conversation happened between us-

Doc: Hmmmm….central obesity….result of sedentary curse, as usual.

Me: But doc, my car is a very low end sedan, it’s also an outdated model, not manufactured anymore.

Doc: Nevermind. How much vegetable do you eat in your meals?

Me: Vegetable! Yes of course, let me think….yeah potato, then rajma, chhole..….paneer….

Doc: Paneer is not a vegetable, though Bengali’s like to believe it to be. Do you take any green vegetables ?

Me: Green? ….of course, lemon ! It’s like yellowish green but the colour falls broadly within the family of green nonetheless (I was wondering whether coriander leaves garnished over mutton biriyani, would qualify).

Doc: What I meant by green was leaves and beans.

Me: Yes sure. They put lot of leaves inside Subway and Maharaja Mac. I love them actually.

Doc: I see, junk food escapist. Do you exercise?

Me: I drive for 3 to 3.5 hours per day and I had to change gears ten thousand times. (I also click the mouse 50,000 times, but somehow I refrained from mentioning that)

Doc: That won’t count as exercise.

Me: Then ?

Doc: See, you have to stop eating red meat, eggs, regulate your food intake and must eat fruits and vegetables .

Me: Oh ! What about  Chicken ?

Doc: (Deliberately ignoring the question) Also you need to exercise regularly, start with brisk walking for 3 km a day. If you don’t want your arteries to get blocked within few years, you must reduce and stay reduced. You need to respect your heart.

Me: You are scaring me. How many times I should eat in a day ?

Doc: Simple. Four square meals a day. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Also take these medicines after your meal.

I take the prescription, thank the doctor and started dreaming of an eggless life.

Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.  ~Edward Stanley

Warming Up

‘ Obese’  …..’BMI more than 27’….’ ‘Reduce and stay reduced’.…’No eggs’ started haunting me like an ‘K serial effect’ echo. It was time for me to return to Mumbai and ne all by myself, for 3 weeks. I decided to start exercise immediately. The only time slot practicable for me was evening 9 to 10. So the Sunday I reached Mumbai, that very evening I put my track pant and sneakers on and visit the club in my housing society.

After quick familiarization of the equipment I discuss my exercise regime with the instructor. For first one month I have to only do cardio and concentrate on burning fat. I observe other people in the gym, all of them have flat tummy and they walk in a peculiar gorilla like stride. Not to mention their raw grunts and moans while lifting weights.

I realize that I need to look fit to start with, which necessarily meant to wear something which would cover my one-pack pot belly.

So I buy the following:

1. A huge XXL T Black T Shirt with the following written in 2 inch tall letters





2. Another large navy blue T shirt with green bands, and matching track pant with three green stripes.

3. Lightweight running shoe: Steel grey and black base with yellow stripes. [ Resembled a formula one car]

Out of the 100 water bottles that my sons have, I choose a sleek curvy one, then picked up a towel and put everything inside a sling bag (return gift) and the preparation looks complete.

Fitness – if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body.  ~Cher

After 21 days

When my wife returned two days ago,  I enthusiastically ask her if she thinks I have reduced.

“ Not a bit ” there came a prompt response.

“Come on, look carefully, I must have ”- I insist.

“ It’s your illusion, you are as round as you were since I saw you last “ she is brutally honest (stressing more on brutality than honesty) , ”but those half a dozen beer bottles kept on the kitchen window is not an illusion ”. Sarcasm, heh.

I ask my kids and both of them nodded vigorously as affirmative,  irrespective of the beer bottles.

Today, being a Friday I put on my pair of diet chinos and decided to wear the brown nubuk with them. Now the only brown belt I have which goes well with this attire, is 16 years old, which my graduation classmate got me from Sikkim. The belt must have been made of Rhino leather (or Bison at least) as it was still in good condition when I wore it last, about 5 years ago. Because it had more sweet memories associated to it and lesser holes to fit me in, I preserved it. The belt remained as a living testimony of my growing inwaistment, it’s each and every hole marked as a milestone of my horizontal generosity, over the years. What a waist of a belt !

But, when I tried it today, to my disbelief I actually was able to buckle it up at the last hole. Yes I did. I checked if I could breathe properly. I could. I walked across the room. No problem. I felt younger, thinner, happier and achieved.

Before leaving for the office I blew a flying kiss to wife and said ‘belts don’t lie’.

A man’s health can be judged by which he takes two at a time – pills or stairs.  ~Joan Welsh

*PS: The word in the title is taken from this post of rambodoc, who’s writing on fitness are quite motivating for people who wants to seduce reduce and stay seduced reduced.


1. bouncing-bubble - Friday, 5 June, 2009

maybe ur wife was just being critical so u wouldn’t give up exercising.
~uh~: u really think so ? 🙂

2. abhishek - Friday, 5 June, 2009

Haha…LOL at K-serial effect…they do that a lot to show stunned faces!!

And beers…do they contribute to increasing waistline??
~uh~: The golden rule- Anything tasteful and good in life is bad for health.

3. Rofl Indian - Friday, 5 June, 2009

Your inwaistment story is turning out to be a Wild Wild Waistern Classic! 😉

Remarkable observation. In a gym, men do act/walk like gorillas. Any comment how women/girls there pose?
~uh~: Hope it doesn’t lead to All quite on the Waistern Front !
As you may agree, ‘Body language’ in Gym deserves a dedicated post 😉

4. Rofl Indian - Friday, 5 June, 2009

Susie was looking for a decent gym where she could do some workouts to stay in shape. I was wondering if I could send her to yours….
~uh~: gulp !
I don’t think the gym would remain decent after her…..adjustments 🙂

5. witsnnuts - Saturday, 6 June, 2009

Ha ha .. good one.
‘Belts don’t lie’ & the last quote of John Welsh was damn funny.
But in the whole you avoided the mention of your hip size ?????
Your post remains me of my conversation with my ex-family doctor, which i was planning to write about.

Hip size? Nothing to cheer – hip hip hurray 😦
Ex-family doctor? Sounds interesting.

6. witsnnuts - Saturday, 6 June, 2009

*serious typographical errors

whole = whole post
remains = reminds

7. rambodoc - Saturday, 6 June, 2009

Hmmn. Sounds like you are going to another victim of conventional medical thinking. Best of luck, and blogging is gonna be the only beneficiary of your misfortunes. Funny post.
~uh~:‘you are going to another victim of conventional medical thinking’– you mean the doc himself is the victim ?
Thanks for the wish for my blog 🙂

8. Vee - Saturday, 6 June, 2009

How can who has got a taste of egg can live an eggless life. Not me, never. Meat, yes , can try but egg.. never.. It’s the best thing that has happened to humans since sex…

Let me see how I fare.. Smoke reduced.. No junk food (never liked).. walking I feel is over-rated.. doesn’t do much… alcohol intake is necessary (better if daily)… vegetables suck.. Only Brinjal is good….

So, I feel lets be seduced till the time comes and keep seducing rather than…

Btw, read somewhere..”I am in shape. Round is a shape.”

~uh~: You mean egg came after sex ? But the chicken’s must have had sex to lay eggs? What is the right order chicken-sex-egg or egg-chicken-sex ?

You sound like I used to. Enjoy 🙂
Ofcourse round is a shape, the basic shape.

9. Ava - Saturday, 6 June, 2009

Sigh – the story of my life – Sigh.

I wish I could notch up the belt all the way.
~uh~: If wishes where inches, you never needed any belt 🙂

10. gauri - Sunday, 7 June, 2009

Et tu?!

~uh~: Vita luna ! *grin*

11. whatsinaname - Monday, 8 June, 2009

Thats why they say use a nada!
na rahega belt na bajenge bara 😉
~uh~: Nada is ancient. Elastic is more ‘toing’ 😉

12. Podapunaku - Tuesday, 9 June, 2009

Bad Bad….yo MOD try the Wii fit…might help you out..and spinach…yummmm

~uh~: Wii fit ? Heard that its tougher than you think, never tried.
Did i ever tell you you look like ‘Popeye’?

13. nursemyra - Wednesday, 10 June, 2009

love the phyllis diller quote

~uh~: That was the best.

14. Smita - Wednesday, 10 June, 2009

Have u ever old your wife that she has reduced??? If no then she was taking her revenge 😉

Hope u continue the weight loss 🙂
~uh~: I cant lie, especially to my wife. In any case when she exercises I definitely reduce (financially).
Btw, i have not lost any weight so far, but inches.

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