Return on Inwaistment* Friday, 5 June, 2009Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour, Mumbai.
Tags: alchohol, Belt, bite, chicken, cholesterol, eggs, Excercise, Fitness, Gym, Health, smoking, swiss
I am feeling successful today. It was not an easy goal, no mean feat. It took a lot of hard work hours of sweat and constant motivational slogan I chanted within myself “come on ~uh~ you can do it ~uh~….huh…some more…. ~uh~….ah….~uh~…huff ….~uh~”.
Finally the result is showing and I have the proof.
The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck! ~Author Unknown
When I got my blood test report last month, I had to face the harsh reality from which I have been trying to hide last few years. The result values were either way above of way below the normal range. However it was not exactly a surprise , it’s just that seeing a black and white report is bit discomforting. It all started when I tried myself getting into my old trouser. I don’t want to repeat that embarrassing story yet again, so let’s come to the point.
After the corporate check-up in 2008, the lady doctor told me that my cholesterol level seems to be on the higher side and she advised me to get a lipid profile done. As usual, medical tests, when I am feeling perfectly normal, seemed a waste of time. So I chickened out. Meaning, concentrated on chicken, alcohol, cashewnuts and other good things of life. I was also kinda convinced that I was contributing enough towards my health by not smoking. From 30 cigs a day to zero meant a lot of nicotine, which was supposed to fill up my lungs.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~Phyllis Diller
Last month I was in Kolkata and I could not escape as out-law anymore. My in-laws fixed my appointment with the lab. I had to do the test and then had to visit the doctor with the report. After studying the report and giving a quick glance at me from head to toe, the following brief conversation happened between us-
Doc: Hmmmm….central obesity….result of sedentary curse, as usual.
Me: But doc, my car is a very low end sedan, it’s also an outdated model, not manufactured anymore.
Doc: Nevermind. How much vegetable do you eat in your meals?
Me: Vegetable! Yes of course, let me think….yeah potato, then rajma, chhole..….paneer….
Doc: Paneer is not a vegetable, though Bengali’s like to believe it to be. Do you take any green vegetables ?
Me: Green? ….of course, lemon ! It’s like yellowish green but the colour falls broadly within the family of green nonetheless (I was wondering whether coriander leaves garnished over mutton biriyani, would qualify).
Doc: What I meant by green was leaves and beans.
Me: Yes sure. They put lot of leaves inside Subway and Maharaja Mac. I love them actually.
Doc: I see, junk food escapist. Do you exercise?
Me: I drive for 3 to 3.5 hours per day and I had to change gears ten thousand times. (I also click the mouse 50,000 times, but somehow I refrained from mentioning that)
Doc: That won’t count as exercise.
Me: Then ?
Doc: See, you have to stop eating red meat, eggs, regulate your food intake and must eat fruits and vegetables .
Me: Oh ! What about Chicken ?
Doc: (Deliberately ignoring the question) Also you need to exercise regularly, start with brisk walking for 3 km a day. If you don’t want your arteries to get blocked within few years, you must reduce and stay reduced. You need to respect your heart.
Me: You are scaring me. How many times I should eat in a day ?
Doc: Simple. Four square meals a day. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. Also take these medicines after your meal.
I take the prescription, thank the doctor and started dreaming of an eggless life.
Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness. ~Edward Stanley
‘ Obese’ …..’BMI more than 27’….’ ‘Reduce and stay reduced’.…’No eggs’ started haunting me like an ‘K serial effect’ echo. It was time for me to return to Mumbai and ne all by myself, for 3 weeks. I decided to start exercise immediately. The only time slot practicable for me was evening 9 to 10. So the Sunday I reached Mumbai, that very evening I put my track pant and sneakers on and visit the club in my housing society.
After quick familiarization of the equipment I discuss my exercise regime with the instructor. For first one month I have to only do cardio and concentrate on burning fat. I observe other people in the gym, all of them have flat tummy and they walk in a peculiar gorilla like stride. Not to mention their raw grunts and moans while lifting weights.
I realize that I need to look fit to start with, which necessarily meant to wear something which would cover my one-pack pot belly.
So I buy the following:
1. A huge XXL T Black T Shirt with the following written in 2 inch tall letters
2. Another large navy blue T shirt with green bands, and matching track pant with three green stripes.
3. Lightweight running shoe: Steel grey and black base with yellow stripes. [ Resembled a formula one car]
Out of the 100 water bottles that my sons have, I choose a sleek curvy one, then picked up a towel and put everything inside a sling bag (return gift) and the preparation looks complete.
Fitness – if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body. ~Cher
After 21 days
When my wife returned two days ago, I enthusiastically ask her if she thinks I have reduced.
“ Not a bit ” there came a prompt response.
“Come on, look carefully, I must have ”- I insist.
“ It’s your illusion, you are as round as you were since I saw you last “ she is brutally honest (stressing more on brutality than honesty) , ”but those half a dozen beer bottles kept on the kitchen window is not an illusion ”. Sarcasm, heh.
I ask my kids and both of them nodded vigorously as affirmative, irrespective of the beer bottles.
Today, being a Friday I put on my pair of diet chinos and decided to wear the brown nubuk with them. Now the only brown belt I have which goes well with this attire, is 16 years old, which my graduation classmate got me from Sikkim. The belt must have been made of Rhino leather (or Bison at least) as it was still in good condition when I wore it last, about 5 years ago. Because it had more sweet memories associated to it and lesser holes to fit me in, I preserved it. The belt remained as a living testimony of my growing inwaistment, it’s each and every hole marked as a milestone of my horizontal generosity, over the years. What a waist of a belt !
But, when I tried it today, to my disbelief I actually was able to buckle it up at the last hole. Yes I did. I checked if I could breathe properly. I could. I walked across the room. No problem. I felt younger, thinner, happier and achieved.
Before leaving for the office I blew a flying kiss to wife and said ‘belts don’t lie’.
A man’s health can be judged by which he takes two at a time – pills or stairs. ~Joan Welsh