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Power Cooking (For Men) Friday, 24 July, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in Cartoon, Out of the Box, Soceity & Cultures.
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I believe men can cook better than women.

The proof is visible at every star rated Hotel and Restaurant kitchens, TV shows etc. Whenever it comes to demonstrate cooking and getting awards for it, men have been a show stealer (saving rare exceptions which probably proves the rule) and I am sure I don’t have to mention names here.

However, when it comes to writing cook-books and recipes, women scores high over men. I find it particularly difficult to follow cook books/ recipes written by women. I think recipe writing is an art and if a recipe is written properly with right instruction for the right user, the outcome would be splendid. I think men, especially bachelors (pure, pseudo or a grass widower) can do miracles in the kitchen if they follow a properly written recipe.

I was sad and disheartened to see this paltry list termed as bachelor’s cooking on a website. The introduction also underestimates the power of men in the kitchen.

Before I start, the following assumptions should be clearly understood-

1. The concept of ‘time’ for bachelor men is quite different from other human species. Also men never use a clock inside the kitchen.

2. Men don’t understand subjective measurements like ‘pinch ful’, ‘some’, ‘little’ , oblique  terms like ‘saute’, ‘to taste’, ‘half-fried’, ‘when almost done’,  half-done, ‘ ‘completely done’ and obscure colours like ‘golden brown’, ‘sparkling yellow’, ‘dull green’ etc.

3. Men love to multitask even there’s only one job at hand.

So, the recipe of ‘Quick vegetable pulao’ as given runs a risk to become a lump of brown completely burnt yuck thing stuck on the stainless steel wok, in no time.

How to make quick vegetable pulao:

  • Wash and soak the rice for 1 hour, drain and keep aside.
  • Slice the onion finely and chop the potatoes into small pieces.
  • Heat oil in a pan and fry the onions till golden brown, add all the vegetables, cinnamon, cloves and cardamoms.
  • Saute for 2-3 minutes, add little water and cook till the potatoes and peas are half cooked.
  • Then add the drained rice, salt and red chilli powder.
  • Mix well.
  • Add 2 cups of water and boil.
  • When the water starts boiling, reduce the flame and cover and cook till the rice is done.

So, I thought I would exemplify how a recipe should be written for men, which works. Please note I have writing this based on my personal experience while I was alone at home. I am not allowed to enter the kitchen when my wife is around for some mysterious reason, which I guess is nothing but ‘inferiority complex’.

Men’s recipe for Rembrandt Mutton Curry©

This is for 4 men who have skipped breakfast.

Equipment

Pressure cooker (5 litres, the one which hasn’t exploded yet)

Gas burner (working condition)

Mixie ( the thing that makes maximum noise in the house after wife)

2 tall glass

CD player

Kitchen knife

Ingredients

1 Bottle of Rum (preferably Old Monk)

1 Bottle of cola

Tray ful of Ice cubes

CD of Kaminey

1 kg of Mutton (cut into pieces with bones)

4 onions < 35mm dia cut into cubes

2 Tomato < 45 mm dia cut into peices

200 gms of Potato (2 nos. not bigger than a standard paperweight seen in Govt. offices)

1 Nescafe cup of oil (preferably Mustard)

2 spoon turmeric powder

3tbsp. Garlic paste

3tbsp. Ginger paste

2 green chillies < 50 mm in length

One lemon cut into 4 pcs

3 tbsp. Salt

Garam masala powder (peppercorns, cloves, cinnamon, cumin seeds, cardamom)- available readymade

Coriander leafs

Before you start the process, cross check if you have arranged all the equipment and ingredients ( especially the mutton and gas-burner). Now follow these instructions meticulously-

  • Put 60 ml and 45 ml Rum in two glasses.
  • Add cola and ice to the first glass, squeeze one piece of lemon. Keep the other glass away from flame.
  • Put onion, Tomatoes, green chillies into the mixie. Turn it to max, sip rum from the first glass and put the cd of Kaminey to play, pump up the volume.
  • Stop the mixie when the first song says ‘ chal chal sadko pe hogi dhan tan…..’
  • Take half of the onion tomato-paste, half of ginger garlic paste, I spoon each of salt and turmeric powder, mix thoroughly with mutton in a container.
  • Wash your hands and sit quietly and sip your rum while the mutton marinates and the CD ends. You can as many drink  you want, but don’t touch that 45 ml glass.
  • Put the pressure cooker on gas and pour the oil. Have two more sips while the oil is heating up.
  • Put the CD to replay.
  • Empty the balance content of the mixie and whatever paste is left out in the pressure cooker and start stirring till the remix version of ‘Pehli baar mohabbat’ starts on the CD. Don’t bother about the paste which is fallen on the kitchen counter and floor.
  • Pour the marinated mutton in the cooker. Put the potato pieces as well.
  • Increase the flame of the gas and keep stirring. The mix will keep on changing its colour and viscosity, don’t bother.
  • When the title song’ kaminey’ stats playing, pour the 45 ml rum into mix,
  • Ignore the superb aromatic smoke that would come out from the pressure cooker, pour a cup of water and close the lid (with the weight-valve) and reduce the burner flame to medium.
  • Enjoy your drink till the CD ends. Ignore the cooker whistles in between.
  • Opening the lid when it allows you to, and pout the garam masla powder and mix it. Boil the curry . Squeeze balance lemon and sprinkle coriander leaves as decoration (aka garnish).
  • Serve hot with rice/ roti.

real men cook

PS: This preparation can also be called as Kaminey Curry or Rum-burnt Curry who can’t pronounce Rembrandt.

PS1: Apologies to vegetarian, non-alcoholics and women (and combination thereof), if this does’nt come useful to you.

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Comments»

1. Aditya - Friday, 24 July, 2009

fab post again !

Im waiting to hear sudipto’s version of bachelor cooking…i trust it would be having best of chicken parts..
………………..
~uh~:Chicken breasts, you mean ?

2. le embrouille blogueur - Friday, 24 July, 2009

o the mangsho and the bhaat after the “as many as you can” rounds of OM ……salivating profusely !! ….too good ….!!
……………………..

~uh~: Only has been there done that would understand the divine satisfaction …

3. le embrouille blogueur - Friday, 24 July, 2009

O I commented when the very interesting image was not uploaded ….awesome image work !!
……………….
~uh~: Thanks, if you notice, its the next best smile after Monalisa 😉

4. Lynn - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

that post is great…too funny…and so detailed which makes it funnier. good one…can’t tell you what half the ingredients are…yes good one!
…………….
~uh~: May be you can ask Rip to try it sometime !

5. nursemyra - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

re: #3

No one multitasks like a woman
……………….
~uh~: Male elephants do.

6. whatsinaname - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

i agree with nursemyra! Noone multitasks like a woman!
And now i know why you are banned from the kitchen!
how do you chose an onion less than 35 mm in dia? You are impossible 😀
Cartoon is fanta-bulous.
and THANKFULLY I belong to your ps1 list 😉
………………
~uh~: You take a pipe of 35mm dia and run a pass test for the onions, simple ! 😉

7. Rofl Indian - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

For women, cooking is often a passionate and pleasurable fireplay; for men, most of the time it’s a quick and dirty handijob! 😉

@ Adi: I won’t make a mess here, there are a lot of ladies reading this post you see 😉
…………………
~uh~: For women it’s the same cook and bull story, while for men its Allfried HitchCook !

8. Rofl Indian - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

The term ‘FEEDBURNER’ was coined by a man I guess 😀
…………..
~uh~: So is the term FEEDJIT….

9. Ekta khetan - Saturday, 25 July, 2009

I am a woman and I have a better recipe for Veg Pulao…what say? 🙂
……………
~uh~: ‘Better’ for whom ? 🙂

10. magicalsummer - Sunday, 26 July, 2009

oh men will always rush to do what is ‘traditionally’ considered a ‘woman’s job’ if they get paid for it!

love your recipe. why not get cp, wian, and the rest of us ‘experts’ to give you recipes, and translate it into man-speak, uh style, to make the best cookbook ever? 🙂

of course, the book will have to be suitably illustrated too 🙂
……………………..
~uh~: Well there are ‘pros’ who get paid and cons who does’nt.
Nice idea- why don’t you send me some of your favourite ones for me to destruct deconstruct them ?
Hope you don’t mean picture of food as ‘illustrations’ ? 😉

11. Spike - Sunday, 26 July, 2009

lol! The time-keeping was so nostalgic! Perhaps its time to migrate the cooker-killing post on my blog!
😀
…………………..
~uh~: Yeah, i remember that post 🙂

12. litterateuse - Monday, 27 July, 2009

I believe men can cook better than women too. Every time I ask my husband if he’d make dinner he cooks up this fabulous, irrefutable excuse 😛

Nice one!

g
…………………………..
~uh~:He cooks up because of the unfriendly recipe. In my next I also want to write on how an ideal ( man friendly) kitchen should be…..;-)

13. witsnnuts - Thursday, 30 July, 2009

Ha ha .. i like the way you used the rum. But you left out a vital instruction i.e to say that, rum can always be replaced with Beer or Vodka .. What say ??

Does your wife know about this blog ?? 😉

Cheers.
………………….
~uh~: If you use Beer/ Vodka the name Rembrandt doesn’t hold good anymore.
She knows, I guess 🙂

14. alok - Friday, 31 July, 2009

u are simply incorrigible 😛
loved the rembrandt dum dum rum curry 🙂
will get the CD first as it is so essential for cooking this one 🙂
……………………..
~uh~:yeah and i know you can do it 😉

15. Ravi Chander - Tuesday, 18 August, 2009

LOL!
“Mixie ( the thing that makes maximum noise in the house after wife)”
How true my friend and amazingly very apt description. I can’t stop laughing.
………………
~uh~™: Most truths are amazing, my friend. Welcome to AEIOU 🙂

16. Samir - Friday, 21 August, 2009

Truly well written with many astute observations. I relate to all those “pinch ful” “fry for some time” etc. etc. etc. LOL at your timing devices, and could I substitute wine instead of rum. Also what about other CD’s, say some Pink Floyd ones; I assume more research is needed.
………………….
~uh~™: Thanks for getting the point out there 🙂
Pink Floyd would make a 3 course fine dinner using wine, but that would have to be named differently !

17. amanda - Sunday, 23 August, 2009

galati se mixie mei kaminey ki cd naa daal denaa, lol!
……………..
~uh~™: No way, bevda samjha hai kya ? :p

18. Christian - Thursday, 15 September, 2011

excellent site. many thanks for this wonderful posting. i love a lot.

19. rachel comey mens - Tuesday, 13 December, 2011

This is Awesome! Thanks a lot.


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