Myths and Truths about Boozer’s Problem Wednesday, 12 August, 2009Posted by ~uh~™ in General Advice Humour.
Tags: advice, alchohol, binge, booze, Boozers, breath analyzer, drunkard, problem, Truth
I was slightly amused reading this Drinker’s Advisory from a fellow blogger, the ROFL Indian. Though, I have lots of deference for this gentleman’s imagination, creativity and ‘production design’, I have lots of difference on this particular topic. However, I have to admit that he has actually followed the General Advise for advising, as charted out by me some time back, which qualifies the said article to be accepted by all. Those incidents listed by him (except for may be 18, 2 and 1 in that order), though incredibly funny, seldom happens with experienced and honed drunkards.
So instead of writing a vicious, long and avenging comment I thought of retaliating with a dedicated post itself. That, I think would serve the following useful purpose-
1. My readers who did not know about his blog will thank me.
2. His reader’s, who didn’t know about mine, may consider reading it.
3. It will add another post on my blog.
4. While general readers would find the antics funny, experienced boozers would agree how true and serious they are.
Enough of imaginary anecdotes, time for some facts-
A boozer knows he is in a problem when-
1. He doesn’t have the faintest idea that, he actually is in a problem. (Now this is a Catch 22 situation and there’s no practical remedy to it)
[That saying, it can easily be established that a boozer will practically never know when he IS in a problem. But of course he can roughly figure out that he HAD been into a problem or CAN face a problem, in most cases, when he wakes up the next morning.]
A boozer is ACTUALLY in a problem when-
2. After a dinking binge while outstation travel, comes back to the hotel room, he goes to bed, gets up at midnight, pukes in the sink and sees himself in the mirror in front, goes to sleep again and next day morning discovers that his laptop looks like a leftover pizza on the writing table and again sees himself in mirror, this time in sheer disbelief.
3. With time, he finds the WC is a better fixture than wash-basin, to flush after puking, especially if it is in someone else’s house.
4. After a drinking binge he gets up to pee and wonders why the toilet is so cold and the light automatically turns on. Next morning he finds the fridge smelling funny.
5. After few drinks at the bar he realizes that he has been shedding cigarette ash on the ketchup bowl and the snack plate alternatively, while enjoying the finger foods from the ashtray.
6. When he says ‘May I go to the bathroom, Madam’, to the obese lady on the lower berth on a train, after emptying the ‘mixture’ from the coke bottle in the upper berth.
7. He enjoys the subtle musical notes played around him, probably created by the rare single malt. on the rocks. Then he discovers his mobile underneath the seat cushion and ten missed calls from his wife.
8. He tries to do push-ups to show his alertness, the floor floats up and hits his chin and a sticky, salty red liquid comes out of a crack in the chin. His buddies want to call the ambulance while he seems clueless about who is the injured.
9. When he lights the last cigarette on the filter end. In desperation, he then takes out old cigarette butts from the ashtray and again lights it on the filter end.
10. He actually enjoys the taste of bar-be-queued frog with tartar sauce.
11. He thinks the greatest hardware support a mobile phone should have is a cigarette lighter.
12. He thinks he can sing and starts singing Mohd. Aziz and Anuradha Padwal duet songs ( both with his own voice) with humming and chorus interludes, included.
13. He shares his sorrows with other bar-mates and they all give him their shoulder to cry on. Moved by the compassion he declares that all drinks are on him.
14. He still continues drinking after 4 rounds of ‘one for the road’.
15. He gives a kiss to the valet parking guy and tips him Rs 200 before getting in the car.
16. He finds it difficult to figure out from the approaching headlights, whether it’s a truck or two motorcycles side by side.
17. He actually finds it easier driving with his eyes closed, to avoid the glare.
18. He is stopped by a battalion of cops equipped with breath analyzers while he is on the wheel.
19. He dodges the cops and hits a lamppost.
20. He says sorry to the lamppost and passes out.