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My First Attempt On Scam Baiting Wednesday, 9 April, 2014

Posted by ~uh~™ in India, Internet, Out of the Box.
2 comments

Heavily inspired from http://www.419eater.com/, I tried my hand for the first time on reverse scam baiting. Unfortunately no response received as of yet !

(Please note the spelling and/ or grammatical errors are kept intact, including mine)

On Thursday, 27 March 2014 7:13 PM, “mariamark545@yahoo.com” <mariamark545@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Mrs. Maria Mark

Email Address: mariamark545@yahoo.com

PHILIPPIANS – 4 v13 I Can Do All Things.

Good day

My name is Mrs. Maria Mark; I am a dying woman who had decided to donate what I have to the Charities. I am 51 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about four years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, I have been touched to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband for the good work rather than allow his relatives to use my husband’s hard earned fund.

As I lay on my sick bed, I want you to help me in carrying out my last wish on earth which will be very profitable to you. I want to WILL a total sum of $25million USD to you which I want you to distribute part of it to any charity home for me and the rest for yourself and your family which I will inform you on how to share all, please for further information contact me ASAP.

Regards,

Mrs. Maria Mark

My reply:-

From:”Anmol Anda”< anmolanda@in.com >
Date: 28 Mar 14 16:06:47
Subject: Re: 4 v13 I Can Do All Things [ANDA compensation policy intimation]
To: mariamark545@yahoo.com

= Om Shiri Ram Bhagwan=

Dear Mrs Maria Mark

I take this opportunity to thank you for writing an email to us.

It is very sad to note that you are dying from cancer. However we are only human and can not resist what has been decided by the almighty in our destiny. I sincerely hope with some Godly miracle you get well soon and live the rest of your life in a very healthy way.

Regarding you offer for the money which is left by your late husband i am afraid i can not accept such sum directly. I am myself involved in charity works here in my country India for the poor and needy. As per the Government regulation we can not incur any profit from the charity work that we do in poor villages of India. We run from the donation received in Indian money from the churches and NGOs operating in nearby areas. In case we get offer from money which is not in Indian Rupees we have to disclose such amount to our “Inland Tax Deduction Authority” who downright forfeit such amount and also legal recourse is initiated against the defaulters. In our country these inland tax rules are very strong and as a charity organization we cannot violate them.

On this context let me introduce myself. My name is Anmol and i work for a charity organization called “Almighty Neuron Distributor’s Association” (ANDA). We are supported by all the big hospitals and medical research teams of our country. What we do is we collect vital body parts from a dying person who are suffering from fatal diseases like cancer, leukemia, jaundice and green water tumor.People who have very less chance of survival, with their consent, we collect certain parts of their body and extract the neurons. These neurons are then stored medically and supplied to the needy and poor people. Though this is complete charity work, we do compensate the dying person or their next of kin as per the policy of our organization and Government regulation. Depending of the body parts that we collect, the compensation is determined by a governing body in our organization. Typically, for hair, nails and skin the compensation is around INR 600,000- 1200000 ( US$ 10,000-20,000), for other vital body parts like spleen, uvula, brain and intestines the compensation sum can vary between US$ 40,000- 65,000 or more. The amount can only be decided after a very detailed inspection of the medical history of the donor. In our policy the money is sent in advance after exchange of few formal documentation, consent agreement form to arrange for the body part donation which will be supervised by our empaneled doctor. from the date of money transfer the actual donation has to be withing 6 months. if the donor is still alive after 6 months, another extension is given for the body part donation. being a charity organization we cannot take back the money given as a compensation, so we have to wait. After 9 months we take the body part under strict medical supervision from the alive donor. The entire process is very painless. We have donors alive still after one year of donating their uvula and partial Hypothalamus. The only thing we ensure is that the money we donate is kept withing the family and spent for the welfare of the donor of his/her immediate family.

As you are dying and if you feel you do not have any chance of survival in 6 to 9 months, you can donate any suitable organ to our organization. It will be a very good deed for the humanity and we would be thankful to you Mrs Maria. I would request you to think over it and reply to me. If you are interested in our proposition, we can send you the consent agreement form and other documentation and arrange for our governing body to decide the compensation amount. Please also send an identity document to open an ANDA case file in your name. There are some other minor procedural formality which i will guide you in due course.

With the name of lord Rama, i wish you very best of health.

Jai jai Ram

Anmol

 [Unfortunately I did not receive any reply on my generous offer till date. Alas.]

 

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Lithium Mermaid Saturday, 5 September, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in Out of the Box.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
8 comments

This was my first effort on writing dark poetry. It was published as a diary post on Mouthshut.com, originally. The inspiration was Edgar Allan Poe, few pegs of Old Monk,  a DVD of Apocalypto and a soul-load of bitterness.

The post title is the name of an imaginary Heavy Metal band, I wish I could form and lead.

burning hell

Days of black smoke roll by, thick and vile

Night’s vein is slit; with a shrill cry blood is dry

Demon’s decency is a demure vice

Drenched in bitter rain of cold fire, wry…..

I spit the venom; turn my head to the mirror

Face to face with the dread, my horror

I embrace the torment of hell, and smile…..

To dance with the devil, on a moonlit night.

(And this is the kind of evil verse,

After drinking five pegs, I write.)

One of my blogger friend Main_chup cared to translate it into Hindi. I think it’s better than the original. Here goes….

Kaale Dhuyein se bhara din guzra, gaadhaa aur darinda sa

Raat ki nas kati, cheekh uttha, sookha khoon

Haiwaan ki sharafat ek shaant khanjar hai

Thande aag mein bheegi si ek kutil muskaan

Vish ugal ke dekha maine darpan ki ore

Khud apna hi bhayanak chehra

Aalingan mein liya maine narak kee yantrana ko

Aur chandani raat mein nritya karne ek Haiwaan ke saath…

Dance with the Devil

PS: Artworks are not mine and were sourced from the internet.

Power Cooking (For Men) Friday, 24 July, 2009

Posted by ~uh~™ in Cartoon, Out of the Box, Soceity & Cultures.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
19 comments

I believe men can cook better than women.

The proof is visible at every star rated Hotel and Restaurant kitchens, TV shows etc. Whenever it comes to demonstrate cooking and getting awards for it, men have been a show stealer (saving rare exceptions which probably proves the rule) and I am sure I don’t have to mention names here.

However, when it comes to writing cook-books and recipes, women scores high over men. I find it particularly difficult to follow cook books/ recipes written by women. I think recipe writing is an art and if a recipe is written properly with right instruction for the right user, the outcome would be splendid. I think men, especially bachelors (pure, pseudo or a grass widower) can do miracles in the kitchen if they follow a properly written recipe.

I was sad and disheartened to see this paltry list termed as bachelor’s cooking on a website. The introduction also underestimates the power of men in the kitchen.

Before I start, the following assumptions should be clearly understood-

1. The concept of ‘time’ for bachelor men is quite different from other human species. Also men never use a clock inside the kitchen.

2. Men don’t understand subjective measurements like ‘pinch ful’, ‘some’, ‘little’ , oblique  terms like ‘saute’, ‘to taste’, ‘half-fried’, ‘when almost done’,  half-done, ‘ ‘completely done’ and obscure colours like ‘golden brown’, ‘sparkling yellow’, ‘dull green’ etc.

3. Men love to multitask even there’s only one job at hand.

So, the recipe of ‘Quick vegetable pulao’ as given runs a risk to become a lump of brown completely burnt yuck thing stuck on the stainless steel wok, in no time.

How to make quick vegetable pulao:

  • Wash and soak the rice for 1 hour, drain and keep aside.
  • Slice the onion finely and chop the potatoes into small pieces.
  • Heat oil in a pan and fry the onions till golden brown, add all the vegetables, cinnamon, cloves and cardamoms.
  • Saute for 2-3 minutes, add little water and cook till the potatoes and peas are half cooked.
  • Then add the drained rice, salt and red chilli powder.
  • Mix well.
  • Add 2 cups of water and boil.
  • When the water starts boiling, reduce the flame and cover and cook till the rice is done.

So, I thought I would exemplify how a recipe should be written for men, which works. Please note I have writing this based on my personal experience while I was alone at home. I am not allowed to enter the kitchen when my wife is around for some mysterious reason, which I guess is nothing but ‘inferiority complex’.

Men’s recipe for Rembrandt Mutton Curry©

This is for 4 men who have skipped breakfast.

Equipment

Pressure cooker (5 litres, the one which hasn’t exploded yet)

Gas burner (working condition)

Mixie ( the thing that makes maximum noise in the house after wife)

2 tall glass

CD player

Kitchen knife

Ingredients

1 Bottle of Rum (preferably Old Monk)

1 Bottle of cola

Tray ful of Ice cubes

CD of Kaminey

1 kg of Mutton (cut into pieces with bones)

4 onions < 35mm dia cut into cubes

2 Tomato < 45 mm dia cut into peices

200 gms of Potato (2 nos. not bigger than a standard paperweight seen in Govt. offices)

1 Nescafe cup of oil (preferably Mustard)

2 spoon turmeric powder

3tbsp. Garlic paste

3tbsp. Ginger paste

2 green chillies < 50 mm in length

One lemon cut into 4 pcs

3 tbsp. Salt

Garam masala powder (peppercorns, cloves, cinnamon, cumin seeds, cardamom)- available readymade

Coriander leafs

Before you start the process, cross check if you have arranged all the equipment and ingredients ( especially the mutton and gas-burner). Now follow these instructions meticulously-

  • Put 60 ml and 45 ml Rum in two glasses.
  • Add cola and ice to the first glass, squeeze one piece of lemon. Keep the other glass away from flame.
  • Put onion, Tomatoes, green chillies into the mixie. Turn it to max, sip rum from the first glass and put the cd of Kaminey to play, pump up the volume.
  • Stop the mixie when the first song says ‘ chal chal sadko pe hogi dhan tan…..’
  • Take half of the onion tomato-paste, half of ginger garlic paste, I spoon each of salt and turmeric powder, mix thoroughly with mutton in a container.
  • Wash your hands and sit quietly and sip your rum while the mutton marinates and the CD ends. You can as many drink  you want, but don’t touch that 45 ml glass.
  • Put the pressure cooker on gas and pour the oil. Have two more sips while the oil is heating up.
  • Put the CD to replay.
  • Empty the balance content of the mixie and whatever paste is left out in the pressure cooker and start stirring till the remix version of ‘Pehli baar mohabbat’ starts on the CD. Don’t bother about the paste which is fallen on the kitchen counter and floor.
  • Pour the marinated mutton in the cooker. Put the potato pieces as well.
  • Increase the flame of the gas and keep stirring. The mix will keep on changing its colour and viscosity, don’t bother.
  • When the title song’ kaminey’ stats playing, pour the 45 ml rum into mix,
  • Ignore the superb aromatic smoke that would come out from the pressure cooker, pour a cup of water and close the lid (with the weight-valve) and reduce the burner flame to medium.
  • Enjoy your drink till the CD ends. Ignore the cooker whistles in between.
  • Opening the lid when it allows you to, and pout the garam masla powder and mix it. Boil the curry . Squeeze balance lemon and sprinkle coriander leaves as decoration (aka garnish).
  • Serve hot with rice/ roti.

real men cook

PS: This preparation can also be called as Kaminey Curry or Rum-burnt Curry who can’t pronounce Rembrandt.

PS1: Apologies to vegetarian, non-alcoholics and women (and combination thereof), if this does’nt come useful to you.

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