Uhsdom Compilation (1)

Uhsdom Originals

A compilation of original wisdom quotes from ~uh~ (aka uhsdom) scattered around the internet in Facebook, Twitter, blogs and memory. Feel free to use them. However, my soul will rust in peace if you mention the source.

1. Cakewalk: when you start walking fast to redeem the calories and overcome the guilt of having a large piece of sumptuous cake.

2. Money saved is money earned, time saved is a movie earned.

3. When in doubt, put it in the microwave.

4. If wishes were horses, all Jockeys would have been VIPs and Rupa would marry Gopal.

5. A pedestrian is a person who thinks a Car solves all problems in life.

6. A true friend will always remember all your embarrassing moments to the minute detail.

7. The most memorable nights of a boozer’s life can’t be recalled in totality.

8. Alcohol is almost like cheese, only you don’t have to say it loudly to grin, while clicking a snap.

9. Memory curd is the English expression of ‘Deemag ki Dahi’. E.g- Don’t memory curd me with your lecture.

10. When you meet a young good looking girl and she doesn’t hesitate to share her contacts, you must be married and touching forty.

11. All play and no work made Jack a Ball-boy.

12. A Bong leaves early on the same day when he reaches late for office. Reason- he can’t be late twice in a single day.

13. These days the girls iron their hair, and wear short tops to show their innerwear. Not so long ago they used to iron their innerwear and wear short hair to show their tops.

14. What do you call the shade difference of the skin in the ring finger? Ring tone.

15. They say, carry a good recipe to stay happy. I say, marry a good recipe and stay happier.

16. A guy becomes a man when he goes to a chemist shop to buy condoms for the first time and returns just with the condoms.

17. The secret of a long happy married life depends on which side of the bed you sleep- the wall side or the door side.

18. Online friendship doesn’t last long. It just disconnects.

19. “It sucks” becomes a compliment only in case of a Vacuum cleaner or a hooker.

20. S is the most important letter in English. Words can become Sword by just changing the position of ‘s’. It also makes the difference between a hit post and a shit post.

Tagtics: Chumma Vambukku

I was tagged by Podaponaku. Podaponaku in Tamil means “Get lost, you dumbhead”. In that spirit, I am doing this tag-

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4?

I looked around. The nearest books near me are- a Construction Contract, Statutory Manual for Company Secretaries, Practical Guide to Deeds and Documents. I guess no one would be interested in such books so I got up and looked for better books. I found a menu-book of ‘Hot-Pot’ restaurant, but unfortunately it did not have page 18. The next one was a souvenir from a Bangkok club which did not have any text but had picture of two Asian girls singing. Desperate, I started ransacking everyone’s desk and found the menu-book of ‘Hare- Krishna Pure Veg ” which had page 18.The line 4 read “Kesar Pista Falooda——-40:00”

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?

The instruction is not clear regarding the direction I should stretch my left arm. Also ‘air’ can be interpreted in various ways, unless specifically mentioned. By Air I normally mean outside fresh air- hence the term Airing the Coat or mattress. Indoor air is also another kind of air, but they are re-circulated. Air can also men ‘treated fresh air’ and I would need an IAQ (Indoor Air Quality metre) to measure the freshness. I guess the right word would be ‘space’. Finally, one can’t catch space or air as the perception of ‘catching’ can only be registered in brain if the object has a texture, significant weight and some sort of shape. Space and air are devoid of such physical perceptible parameters. The question, when rightly framed should read ‘Stretch your left arm perpendicular to your body making an angle of ninety degree and see if you can grab anything with an interesting shape, size and texture ?

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Again this question is ambiguous. What is meant by TV ? The equipment or the programs ? My TV, as an equipment or monitor screen, is connected to DTH modem, DVD player, Camcorder and Play station console. So my TV can display the programs aired by various channels, the games, the videos or the movies depending on which gadget is operative at that particular point of time. To answer correctly, the last thing I watched on TV screen was the start-up menu of the DVD-‘ Ali G Inda House’.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?

6 pm (time to leave)

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

11:20 am ( I am too optimistic I think)

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

The humming of AHU and flipping sound of papers, the constant chomp-chomp sound of my colleague eating the brain of a business associate over a concall.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Outside what ? Cubicle, home, office, area, city or country ? I stepped out of the home to step in to the lift to come down and step out of it to step in the car to step out of it and step in to the lift again to step out of it to step into the office and then step into my cabin and stepped out again to use the wash room and I was picking nose, driving, picking nose again and flushing in the places respectively.

8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?

To the girl next to my cabin who is looking like Lalu prasad Yadav after her haircut.

9. What are you wearing?

Visible – trousers, shirt, cuff-links, spectacles, watch, belt, socks, shoes. I am sure no one would be interested in the specifications of the invisible stuff.

10. When did you last laugh?

When I saw my guess of time was significantly wrong.

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

I guess by wall it means ‘enclosure’. Well 3 of them are glass one of which has the glass door. The fourth one has a white board hung on it. There used to be a painting but it was too abstract and through provoking so it was shifted to the HR Head’s cabin.

12. Seen anything weird lately ?

I dunno, if this can be called weird.

13. What do you think of this quiz?

Very thought provoking and useful. It is also not that easy as it looks like.

14. What is the last film you saw?

La Femme d’à côté (Woman Next Door), a French film directed by François Truffaut.

15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?

Warren Buffet’s company and Captain Haddock’s Marlinspike Hall, in that order. Also a Harley Davidson Fatboy, if there’s any change left.

16. Tell me something about you that I dunno!

I lied about picking nose on the lift second time.

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Stop it from spinning and reverse its spin the other way round. That would bring some sea change (pun intended) to mankind.

18. Do you like to Dance?

Yes, yes and the urge is directly proportional to the number of drinks I‘ve downed and who’s asking me to dance. I can’t dance if I am not drunk enough.

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

We already have our first child as a boy. He won’t like to be named as a girl.

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Why should I imagine him as a boy, when he actually is !

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Consider- yes, living- no.

22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

Sorry, happy hours here, single men not allowed.

I welcome anyone to pick it up. Vadi yein kappakazhangu !

Spouse Grouse

I was reading this hilarious anecdote at doctoratlarge’s blog and I remembered something related, which I thought would be worth sharing .

On the context of description of features or parametres ( shape, size, contours) of a lady , a man can royally mess up, especially when confronted by wife. I know one man who unfailingly gets into an awkward situation, in all such cases.

A sample conversation this man was having with his wife,  the other day –

Man: You know that lady from 4^th floor? She was in the lift today….

Wife: Who the bulky one or the one with pathetic dress sense ?

Man: Well, I think the one with pathetic dress sense is also quite bulky. But, I think I am talking about the one who is bu…….err…I mean…..a little top-heavy.

Wife: Top heavy ? How do you know her weight, that also partially for top?

Man: No No…..I meant visually, like a composition (they were classmates in Art School)..…err…like Ajanta -Illora type silhouette, you know.

Wife: Ajanta -Illora- the Lady with the mirror or Yakshi Ambika ? (you see having an Artistic wife has its own challenge)

Man: okie, lets just say like Ayesha Takia !

Wife: What’s special about Ayesha Takia ?

Man: She has certainly grown big, since her Complan advert days.

Wife: So? So did Shahid Kapoor, the complan boy !

Man: yeah, but not that big and definitely not that way.

Wife: Aachha? So what would you describe the 8^th floor one, that skinny verbose extrovert ?

Man: Well, she is more like athletic built with an undertone of Sharone Stone, but added with noticeable occidental curves.

Wife: Oh, so you seem to notice all women in the building, with an expert and observant eye for meticulous details !

Man: Arre….i was just trying to describe the lady to you.

Wife: You all men are same. All you know is to ogle at women at the lightest chance.

Man: huh? Who are the other men ?

And the topic gets diverted into some other discussion.

Another day, another conversation-

Man: You know I was talking about this girl, my ex-colleague’s friend’s sister, who stays on 7^th floor?

Wife: You did?

Man: I remember telling you. I gave her a lift upto Dadar, today morning.

Wife: which girl is she?

Man: Youngish, peroxide blonde, wears skirt and all.

Wife: That’s why you gave her lift?

Man: eh? No no, I gave her lift because she was looking for an Auto outside our compound gate. I mentioned the skirt part thinking it will be easier for you to identify her.

Wife: So you offered her a lift?

Man: Yes

Wife: Is this the same girl who is very short?

Man: she did not appear shorter than any average Indian female

Wife: Does her facial expression is mostly like this? (makes an indescribable face)

Man: whoa….I have not noticed her face that well.

Wife: You have given her lift and not notice her face at all? What were you looking at all the time then?

Man: I was looking at her bags while in the lift and then on the road while on the car.

Wife: Bags? Is this supposed to be one of your sick metaphors?

Man: what metaphor, I am talking about large bulging and sagging bags

Wife: you mean like bags bags ?

Man: yeah, she was carrying two large bags and was clearly having difficulty in carrying them.

Wife: Why was she carrying two bags to office?

Man: How do I know? That’s none of our concern anyway. The point here is whether you could place her now?

Wife: Nah…how come you only end up meeting this young girls ?

Man: Arre, she is quite conspicuous, flamboyant dressing style, tattoos, large earrings, skirt….

Wife: You have mentioned that skirt part before.

Man: oh, did I?

Wife: Yes and looks like you are besieged by the skirt

Man: besieged? I was just trying to describe her for you…

Wife: and all you have to describe is the skirt ?

Man: Arre nana….

Wife: and  tattoo ? where was it ?

Man: there were more than one actually. Upper arm, rear shoulders, in between the neck and the  middle of…..

Wife: my god ! What was she wearing ?

Man: An off-white sleeveless short top with pasta string or whatever they call it

Wife: Spaghetti top?

Me; yeah, same

Wife: You are so shameless.

Man: what did I do now ?

Wife: Don’t skirt the issue now.

Man: which issue?

Wife: You all men are same. All you know is to ogle at women whenever you get a chance.

Man: huh?

And the topic gets diverted again into some other discussion.

So what is the key learning here ? Would love to hear the viewpoint 0f both species 🙂

Related AEIOU ¿ ® reads- When Men Think Hard to Decide and  two more posts which mentions Ayesha Takia.